LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

Join therapists Jerry Sander & Kristy Gaisford as we look at both the hard truths, and joys, that accompany intimate relationships. Our perspective is personal, practical and based on experience: we've both been married, divorced, and married again after finding great partners for our second marriages. (Both of us had four children apiece in our first marriages; Kristy has four step-children in her second one). Both of us maintain relationally-focused private therapy practices, focusing on couples and individuals. ) We are both certified in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy and are regular, authorized presenters of the weekend Relationship Boot Camp. We also offer a weekend workshop for those who are starting their lives again after the life-altering relational reset of divorce.

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健康・フィットネス健康・フィットネス

教育教育

メンタルヘルスメンタルヘルス

自己啓発自己啓発

セクシュアリティセクシュアリティ

始める

When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

Send us a textIn this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, they provide insights on how to approach conflicts with curiosity and connection, while also recognizing when it may be necessary to step away for one's own well-being. In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy explore the concept of the 'adaptive child' and how it manifests in relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional awareness, recognizing when one is in a defensive state, and the nature of disagreements. The dialogue emphasizes the need for empathy, self-reflection, and effective communication to navigate conflicts. They also role-play a conflict resolution scenario, highlighting the significance of accountability and humility in maintaining healthy relationships.Chapters00:00 Understanding the Adaptive Child02:48 Navigating Extended Triggers in Relationships05:55 Self-Care and Compassion During Conflict08:52 The Importance of Timing and Safety11:55 Managing Anxiety and Relationship Fears15:00 Choosing to Stay in a Relationship18:09 The Role of Energy in Communication21:07 Curiosity and Connection in Conflict Resolution23:52 Knowing When to Step Away25:44 Understanding the Adaptive Child28:26 The Nature of Disagreements in Relationships29:52 Navigating Rabbit Holes and Emotional States31:54 Role-Playing Conflict Resolution36:09 Empathy and Understanding in Communication40:51 Self-Reflection and Personal Growth in Relationships43:24 The Importance of Accountability and Humility

エピソード

When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

Send us a textIn this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, they provide insights on how to approach conflicts with curiosity and connection, while also recognizing when it may be necessary to step away for one's own well-being. In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy explore the concept of the 'adaptive child' and how it manifests in relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional awareness, recognizing when one is in a defensive state, and the nature of disagreements. The dialogue emphasizes the need for empathy, self-reflection, and effective communication to navigate conflicts. They also role-play a conflict resolution scenario, highlighting the significance of accountability and humility in maintaining healthy relationships.Chapters00:00 Understanding the Adaptive Child02:48 Navigating Extended Triggers in Relationships05:55 Self-Care and Compassion During Conflict08:52 The Importance of Timing and Safety11:55 Managing Anxiety and Relationship Fears15:00 Choosing to Stay in a Relationship18:09 The Role of Energy in Communication21:07 Curiosity and Connection in Conflict Resolution23:52 Knowing When to Step Away25:44 Understanding the Adaptive Child28:26 The Nature of Disagreements in Relationships29:52 Navigating Rabbit Holes and Emotional States31:54 Role-Playing Conflict Resolution36:09 Empathy and Understanding in Communication40:51 Self-Reflection and Personal Growth in Relationships43:24 The Importance of Accountability and Humility

Send us a textIn this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively in triggering situations. They highlight the significance of finding a balance between self-soothing and nurturing the relationship as a couple.

How To Use Therapy

How To Use Therapy

Send us a textJerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.

Making the Most of Your Time Together

Making the Most of Your Time Together

Send us a textIt's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health.

Diagnosing Your Partner

Diagnosing Your Partner

Send us a textThe perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....

Send us a textJerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.

Send us a textCouples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified.

Patriarchy In Our Relationships

Patriarchy In Our Relationships

Send us a textJerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.

Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed

Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed

Send us a textYou know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair.

Send us a textWhat role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.

What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?

What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?

Send us a textIt's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.

Send us a textMemorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode.

The Selfishness of Addiction

The Selfishness of Addiction

Send us a textAn addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish flavor. Jerry and Kristy explore the relational damage addiction (and sometimes even recovery) can bring.

The Challenge of Blended Families

The Challenge of Blended Families

Send us a textIt's not always The Brady Bunch. In fact, it almost never is. Kristy and Jerry explore some of the dynamics at work for members of blended families and try to "right-size" expectations to maximize opportunities for natural connections.

Send us a textAhhhh...The Holidays. They are already here, and we are already scrambling to try to extract the maximum amount of family happiness and connection from situations that can also offer confusion, old, unresolved situations, things-out-of-left-field, financial stress, arguments and large amounts of stress or depression. Still, it is possible to put together a tool kit for yourself and to find joy in moments of connection large and small.

Send us a textJerry and Kristy express their gratitude for the people, places and things in their lives, with a particular focus on their respective relationships. Being able to extract, and express, gratitude for that hard things that are learned as part of the growth-edge that relationships bring is the Advanced Class. Our best efforts are required, and are rewarded.

Trauma & Your Relationship

Trauma & Your Relationship

Send us a textWhether it is childhood trauma(s), the effects of societal prejudices, discrimination and stigmatizing or more recent adult losses of a traumatic nature, the ripple effects of trauma is shared with our partner in relationships. Kristy and Jerry ponder the wide-ranging effects of this in presenting challenges to intimacy in relationships. And we end with a whopper of a role-played good fight, demonstrating, once again, the wrong way and the right way to have disagreements with a spouse. (Spoiler alert: we are married to other people who have to actually deal with the Actual Arguments and challenges that arise.)

Send us a textDo you ever feel strongly at emotional odds with most things around you? And then whether or not you are off-your-rocker and possibly The Problem because of being crazy? Just....different from others, in a major way? You aren't alone at all. Being overwhelmed by feelings -- and not feeling like they are seen and valued by those closest to you -- is common. Jerry and Kristy break it down and consider the way forward, wherein you can remain connected to a partner despite the depth and intensity of your own feelings.

Religious Upbringings

Religious Upbringings

Send us a textOur religious upbringings -- or non-religious upbringings -- can have implications and repercussions for our later intimate relationships, the likes of which we likely hadn't considered. Jerry & Kristy discuss.

Rewriting (Relationship) History

Rewriting (Relationship) History

Send us a textKristy & Jerry consider what happens when we, for one reason or another, remember only certain aspects of our most important relationships. We deny, or ignore, important things at a cost; recovery of all the layers of a relationship may be painful, but worth it.